Dear Favorite Aunt Nancy….. By Nancy Brophy

Every so often Favorite Aunt Nancy feels the need to answer reader’s questions, because she has discovered it is much easier to correct someone else’s life rather than her own. In previous epistles she’s mentioned when to lie, how to murder your husband and what not to post on Facebook.  Today’s post will be similarly worthy.

Dear FAN;

I received a traffic ticket the other day for talking on my cell phone while driving. The police officer was so cute I forgot to talk my way out of it. What should I have done differently?

Blonde Girl

Dear Blonde Girl:

I see two problems here. One: the traffic ticket. We all have been stopped. Some have gotten tickets, many have talked their way into only a warning. Be advised, no one ever says, “thank goodness I got this ticket because it makes up for all the times I broke the law and wasn’t caught.”

Or if you say that, know there are those around you who will think you’re an idiot for not keeping your mouth shut.

My best advice is make the cop laugh and you’re home free. Usually FAN thrusts her wrists together and holds them out the window as the police office approaches and asks, “Do you want to cuff me now or hear my story?”

The direction of my excuse is in direct correlation to the officer’s degree of hunkiness. You’re not committing to an affair. (Or if you are, please email FAN privately and tell her all the details) You are merely practicing your flirting skills.

Remember the cuter the officer the more he has seen this technique, so don’t limit yourself, bat those baby blues at the homely ones as well. Your husband won’t mind. He would prefer not to have a $250.00 fine. How you got there is your business.

One woman when stopped looked the cop in the eye and asked. “Do you know what I did to the last police officer who stopped me for speeding? I married him.” This will either make him weak in the knees or make him laugh. Both are good.

By the way, unless you are wearing a brown hooded cape, using the phrase, “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for,” probably isn’t a good idea. Nor will he be impressed if you order a burger and fries.

Getting out of a ticket is like plotting a novel. The first ten ideas you think of are clichéd. You must have an unexpected twist. They have heard everything. So think ahead. Have your excuse ready.

The second problem is the man. A cute officer in uniform pulled you over and you forgot to flirt? How is that possible?

The first thing one does is check out his left hand. Is he wearing a ring? No? Follow that by checking out his gaze. Is he oogling your cleavage?

Did you forget your cleavage at home? Is this the day you wore your Snoopy pajamas because you were only running to Starbucks? Like the heroine in your novels these are mere hurtles to overcome. If this is the black moment in your day you must throw good sense to the wind and go all out. FAN would love to see photos, if available.

My conclusion is this:

When the officer pulls you over, if you sit in your car unable to form a sentence, the chances are that a $250.00 ticket is coming home with you. The same thing will happen if you fantasize about your story, but are unable to put your butt in the chair and write it down. Like the fine, your experience will not be the happy end you are expecting.

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Posted on January 19, 2012, in General and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Perhaps I wasn’t clear. This is to be used in cases of emergency not cases of boredom. Although now that I think about it. It could be a cute meet in the right story.

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  2. This great post makes me want to get pulled over. And that last comment makes me want some vodka. I know, I’ll have some vodka, go for a drive, and hope a really cute cop stops me!
    Hmmm… On second, maybe that’s not such a great idea.

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  3. How about a regularly scheduled advice column? Thanks for a fun start to my morning.

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  4. Thank you ladies. That last sentence about putting one’s butt in a chair was self-directed

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  5. Too funny for words! Good thing I wasn’t drinking my coffee while reading your post, Nancy, lol!

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  6. Oh, Nancy, I loved your post! You make some very good points. I

    Happy Writing!

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  7. I loved this, and will have to remember this if I’m ever stopped. I’ll be chuckling as I remembe your blog for days to come. Thanks for the good laughs and ideas! Viola

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  8. I don’t know if it’s this vodka or your talent, but I’m laughing pretty hard right now. Nicely done 🙂

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