Moo Cow Madness
I admit that I like kitschy objects d’art, so when I was at a friend’s party earlier tonight and ended up with the white elephant gift of a moo cow creamer, I wasn’t disappointed. Hell, I’d probably use the thing, as I liked to spike my SANKA with a bit of the heavy fat cow juice in the morning.
Besides, wasn’t it funny to pour liquid in the back of a cow and have it spout out its mouth? The whole idea brought a smile to my face.
I placed Bossie, the new moo creamer’s official name, on the counter next to the coffee pot and went to bed.
The next morning, I slept late. Thank goodness it was the weekend. I did not have to worry about getting up and heading to the office or doing anything for that matter. Pulling myself out of bed, I thought about a nice cup of java and waffles. I love me some waffles on the weekend! Lazily making my way to the kitchen, I remembered my new moo cow creamer. Time to break her in!
As I rounded the corner, I entered the kitchen and stopped short.
Where was the moo cow creamer?
I’d placed her next to the coffee pot the night before.
What the hell?
I must have put Bossie away, but where?
Five minutes later, after an extensive search, I put my hands on my hips in frustration and glanced out the window at my backyard.
Bossie stared back at me from my patio. She was outside in the rain, arranged on top of my ceramic garden bunny rabbit in a position I could only call: dominant.
Had I taken an Ambien last night? That could explain a lot, but I’d been off the Ambien for a good six months because I was scared of the sleepwalking rumors associated with the sleeping drug. And the Melatonin I did take when I couldn’t sleep, hadn’t led to sleepwalking—at least not to my knowledge.
Feeling uneasy and disturbed, I unlocked my French door, went outside and retrieved Bossie.
I washed and dried her, then placed her on the countertop.
Unnerved, I speed dialed my friend Suzie, who just happens to be a psychic. And if I ever needed her services, today was the day.
“Something weird happened last night,” I said, keeping my eyes on the cow. Then I told her all about Bossie’s trip outside.
“I’ll be there in an hour,” Suzie said, then added. “I’m bringing the cards. Got any black candles?”
“Fresh out,” I replied.
“Got you covered,” she reassured me.
An hour later, Suzie and I sat across from each other in my living room with the moo cow between us on my marble top coffee table.
“I don’t like that thing,” Suzie said, scrutinizing the cow.
“It is just a ceramic cow, but it is starting to freak me out,” I said.
“Let’s pull a card,” she said and reached for the Tarot deck.
It came as no surprise to either one of us that she pulled The Devil card, a horned goat-man enslaving a naked man and woman with shackles.
“Holy cow,” I said.
Suzie just looked at me and then said, “I think that thing is more devil bovine than holy cow. Let me pull another card.”
The Tower card stared back at us. The card featured a castle on fire with bodies falling from the shattered windows to their deaths.
“I hate The Tower,” I muttered.
“Wait,” Suzie said, shutting her eyes and holding her hand in the air. “I’m tuning in. The cow wants you to know it is powerful and not too happy about being put into servitude as your milk maid.”
“I’m sorry?” I ask.
“You’ve got to get it out of here,” Suzie said, her voice taking on a sharp edge.
“Does it want to be put back in the backyard?”
Suzie took a moment and shook her head. “It’s already seen your backyard and it isn’t impressed.”
“It tried to hump my ceramic bunny!”
Ignoring me, she said, “The cow has a different journey in mind.”
Thinking of the party I was going to the next night, I said, “I have a party tomorrow night, another white elephant. I could wrap it up and send it on its way.”
Suzie took a deep breath and said, “The cow finds your terms acceptable.”