The Perils of Really Awful Sex
When it comes to making love I’m no slouch in the sack, but I’m not exactly a chandelier swinging horn-dog either. Yet when it comes to writing the hot and nasty, I’m in deep trouble.
My love scenes suck. Not lascivious vampire suck, not great action-verb suck, they just don’t cut it.
Exhibit A: Love scene from Prince Charming, Inc.
Pleasure flashed through her body as she took his length. It was like the first time again. With Nick.
They were united. One.
She slowly rose. He exhaled as she did, then inhaled sharply as she dropped again. All the way. Again. Again. Up and down. Soon they were in their own rhythm. Her thighs began to ache. Her muscles weren’t used to this. He seemed to sense it and they rolled. It was his turn to set their pace. She relaxed, surrendered, and he was in no hurry.
The moon shone in the window as they climaxed. Sweat poured off their bodies as they rocked against each other, consumed by their needs and fulfilling them in each other.
Gasping, they lay side by side.
“Oh my god,” Elyse exclaimed. “I’m out of shape for this.”
Cringe-worthy, isn’t it? I realize this bedroom effort falls far short of acceptable fictitious lovemaking efforts. Luckily for readers, I’ve only published a couple books with sex scenes. So far they’ve mostly forgiven my lack of erotic skills because they’ve loved the characters and story. But if I want to continue to build readership in the contemporary market, I know I must step it up between the sheets.
Exhibit B: I bought The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Writing Erotic Romance.
Did it work? Not so far. Stuck on page 95, I hoped to stumble across a cheat sheet of sexy verbs and a directory of genital slang. Cock versus penis? I have no clue what to use and when, not to mention all the other synonyms for a penis, like prick, dick, and… drumroll please… the word romance writers can never, ever use, but it still makes me grin every time I say it… MANROOT!
As you can see, I’m at a loss even before I begin writing my next great lovemaking scene. In fact, I’ve been avoiding writing sex scenes altogether. So if you know the answers to the question above, or would like to offer some advice on how I can improve, please leave a comment. You can even tell me to go hire professional help and I won’t be offended.
Jamie Brazil is the author of seven books who promotes self-distribution for independent writers. Her latest release is a re-release, updated and revised for 2014, of the popular Some Writers Deserve to Starve! 31 Brutal Truths for Writers.